Image Credit: Porsche.
Look, it is no secret that I have spent the better part of my life grumbling about SUVs. I see them as the automotive equivalent of wearing hiking boots to a black-tie dinner - unnecessary, clunky, and ruining the vibe. But then Porsche, a company that stubbornly refuses to build a bad car even when they are building a tractor, goes and drops the new Cayenne Electric on my desk. And I hate to admit this, but I think I might be in love. Or terrified. Possibly both.
We need to talk about the numbers immediately because they are something else. The new top-spec Cayenne Turbo Electric delivers 1,139 horsepower. Let me repeat that for the people who were distracted by another cat video: one thousand, one hundred, and thirty-nine horsepower. That beast of a vehicle is not a car. It is a tectonic event. It has 1,106 lb-ft of torque, which I'm fairly certain is enough to restart a dead planet.
Image Credit: Porsche.
Porsche says this family hauler will do zero to 60 mph in roughly 2.4 seconds. That is actually faster than you can read this sentence. It is faster than gravity. If you drop a bowling ball off a building, this SUV will beat it to the ground. And remember, this is a vehicle designed to carry Golden Retrievers and antique dressers. It's absurd. It's wonderful. Nobody needs an SUV this fast, which is exactly why I want one.
Underneath the floorboards sits a massive 113 kWh battery pack. Usually, big batteries mean you spend half your life parked at a charging station, drinking stale coffee, and reading old news. But Porsche has apparently bribed the laws of physics. Thanks to an 800-volt architecture, this thing charges at rates up to 400 kW. In English, that means you can go from a 10 percent charge to 80 percent in under 16 minutes. That is barely enough time to visit the restroom and buy a bag of beef jerky.
Image Credit: Porsche.
If you are worried about range, don't be. The engineers in Weissach claim it will do around 400 miles (642 km) on a full charge. Even if you drive it like your hair is on fire - which, given the horsepower, is a distinct possibility - you should still be able to cross state lines without breaking a sweat. And for the first time, you don't even have to plug it in. They've added inductive charging. You just drive over a plate on the floor in your garage, and the car drinks electricity wirelessly. It's like magic, only more expensive. Way, way more expensive.
Here's my problem with SUVs: any vehicle this size usually handles like a waterbed filled with soup. But this is a Porsche. They've thrown every acronym in the book at it: PASM (active suspension), ePTM (traction management), and PTV Plus (torque vectoring). It also has four-wheel steering, meaning the rear wheels turn up to five degrees. At low speeds, this makes it nimble in a parking lot; at high speeds, it makes the car feel like it's clawing into the asphalt. It also has "Porsche Active Ride," which essentially deletes body roll. You turn the wheel, and the car stays flat. It's eerie. It's brilliant.
Image Credit: Porsche.
Visually, it is unmistakably a Cayenne, just smoother. They shaved the door handles and smoothed out the roofline until the drag coefficient dropped to 0.25. I'm being told that this is slipperier than a politician during an election year. It's grown a bit, too - about two inches longer than the old gas guzzler, with a stretched wheelbase that finally gives the rear passengers enough legroom to practice kickboxing.
Inside, it is exactly what you expect: a spaceship. There is a curved OLED screen for the driver, a center screen for the navigation, and a 10.9-inch screen specifically for the passenger. The software even has "Mood Modes." I'm not joking. It adjusts the lighting, air conditioning, and sound based on how you feel. Personally, I'm waiting for a "Traffic Jam" mode that automatically shouts expletives at the car in front of you, but I couldn't find that in the press release.
Image Credit: Porsche.
But is it actually a utility vehicle? Surprisingly, yes. It will tow 7,716 pounds, which is enough for a very large boat or a very small house. The trunk is massive, offering up to 56 cubic feet of space if you fold the seats down. It even has an "Off-Road" package with better approach angles, though I suspect the only off-roading most of these will see is a gravel driveway in the Hamptons.
Now, the painful part: the price. While Porsche hasn't explicitly printed the price tag on the forehead of the car, if you want the base model - which "only" has 402 horsepower - you are looking at starting around $111,350. If you want the nuclear-powered Turbo variant, prepare to shell out roughly $165,350. And knowing Porsche, once you add the ceramic brakes, the fancy leather, and the carbon fiber cup holders, you'll be nudging a quarter of a million dollars.
Image Credit: Porsche.
Honestly? I wanted to hate it. I really did. But the Cayenne Electric is a technological masterpiece. It manages to be a drag racer, a luxury limousine, and a workhorse all at once. It marks the end of the roaring V8 era for the Cayenne, which is sad, but when the future gives you 1,100 horsepower and wireless charging, you shut up and enjoy the ride.
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