Image Credit: Captain Electro.
I've always said that writing about Tesla is a bit like wrestling a pig in a mud pit - you both get dirty, but the pig actually enjoys it. That is the reason why I usually leave the breathless updates to the lads who sleep in their "I Love Elon" pyjamas. The world doesn't need another hot take from yours truly on why panel gaps are a feature, not a bug. But today is different. Today, we aren't just looking at numbers on a spreadsheet; we're looking at a funeral. And not just any funeral - a Viking burial for the very machines that made electric cars cool, set ablaze by the man who built them.
Yes. The Tesla Model S and Model X are dead. Gone. Kaput. Sending them off to the great scrapyard in the sky. It feels a wee bit mad. The Model S was the car that slapped the automotive industry across the face with a wet trout back in 2012. It was a proper barge - 197.7 inches of sleek aluminum that could carry five adults and two kids in the frunk (I have a photo to prove it), and still outrun a Ferrari. In its final Plaid form, it was an absolute lunatic, hitting 60 mph in 1.99 seconds courtesy of its 1,020 horsepower. One point nine nine is faster than it takes your brain to realize you've left your stomach at the start line. And the Model X? A 5,248-pound egg with falcon doors that did the sprint in 2.5 seconds. These two vehicles were rolling physics equations for "holy mother of speed."
Image Credit: Captain Electro.
But apparently, fast family haulers don't pay the bills anymore. Elon Musk confirmed on an earnings call that production at the Fremont plant is ending. The factory isn't closing, though. Oh no. It's being gutted to build... robots. Optimus robots. Musk wants to make a million of the metal blighters a year. So, we are trading the car that humiliated the BMW M5 for a humanoid butler that might one day decide it doesn't want to fold your laundry and would rather fold you instead.
If you look at the financials released yesterday, you might understand why Musk is pivoting to sci-fi. The year 2025 was supposed to be the victory lap, but instead, the wheels sort of fell off the wagon. Tesla's total profit for the year was $3.8 billion. I know, $3.8 billion is enough to buy a small island and populate it with giraffes, but in the corporate world, it's a proper disaster. That is 46 percent less than what they made in 2024. The profit margin - the bit of cash Tesla actually keeps - tanked to just 4.9 percent. Back in 2022, that number was sitting pretty at 23.8 percent. That is a drop steep enough to make your ears pop.
Image Credit: Tesla.
And it gets worse. A massive chunk of that profit didn't even come from selling cars to actual human beings. It came from selling "regulatory credits" to other carmakers who were too lazy to build their own EVs. These credits brought in $2 billion. That means 52 percent of Tesla's profit came from paperwork, not engineering. And the worst part? Those credits are gone. The current administration cancelled them, so Tesla can't rely on that free lunch anymore.
Sales are down, too. Tesla shifted 1,636,129 cars in 2025, which is roughly 9 percent less than the year before. The fourth quarter was particularly grim, with sales plummeting 16 percent. It seems the "One Big Beautiful Bill Act" - passed on the Fourth of July, no less - killed the $7,500 tax credit, making these electric rockets significantly more expensive for the average Joe.
Image Credit: Tesla.
With the S and X pricing (which hovered between $81,000 and $101,000) looking less attractive and the cheaper Model 3 and Y doing the heavy lifting, Musk has decided to nuke the halo cars entirely. He says it's "slightly sad" and an "honorable discharge," which really translates to "get this old junk out of here, I need room for my robots."
But it's not all doom and gloom! If you like big batteries that don't move, you're in luck. The energy storage business grew by 27 percent, raking in $12.7 billion. The services division is up 19 percent, earning $12.5 billion. It seems Tesla is slowly morphing from a car company into a utility provider that occasionally sells a robot taxi.
Image Credit: Tesla.
Speaking of which, Musk is promising a "Cybercab" by the end of 2026 - a two-seater robot taxi that will allegedly replace the need for you to own a car at all. He also mentioned the Tesla Semi and a new Roadster, which might pop up in April. The Roadster is supposed to be the new halo model, likely costing the GDP of a small nation, but given that it was first announced when my hair was still its original color, I'll believe it when I see it.
And then there's xAI. Tesla dumped $2 billion into Musk's artificial intelligence venture, which is famous for its product, Grok. You know, the AI that's currently excelling at creating deepfake videos? Brilliant use of funds, that. The shareholders don't seem to mind, though. They voted for a pay package that could make Musk a trillionaire if the company's value hits $2 trillion. I suppose when you're that rich, you don't worry about job losses or the fact that the factory workers cheering for you are literally building their mechanical replacements.
Image Credit: Tesla.
Also, if you want your car to drive itself, be prepared to pay up. The "Full Self-Driving" system is now a subscription service at $99 a month, and the standard Autopilot is gone. Musk says they are "paranoid about safety," which is comforting to hear from a man who wants to fill the world with millions of autonomous humanoids.
The reality is, this is the beginning of the end for Tesla as a car company. The Model S and X were the pioneers. They were fast, flawed, and fantastic. But now they are being swept aside for a future of robot taxis and androids. The driving enthusiast in me is crying into his single malt, but the investors? They're probably already pre-ordering their Optimus butlers.
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