Image Credit: Captain Electro.
The Tesla soap opera is quickly turning into a runaway freight train with its wheels seemingly coming off. Our favorite billionaire, the same man who wants to colonize Mars but struggles to convince Europeans to buy his cars, has been a very busy boy... From threatening his own workers in Berlin to watching his Chinese sales figures fall faster than a SpaceX rocket - this has been a week of pure chaos for Elon.
Down in Giga Berlin, the atmosphere is about as cozy as Alaska in mid-winter. Elon beamed a pre-recorded video to the factory (heaven forbid he actually breathe the same air as the "commoners") to deliver a classic "it's not me, it's you" ultimatum. He told his 10,700 workers that if they dare to vote for the IG Metall union, he would simply put the kibosh on expanding the plant. He didn't name them directly, of course, but he warned that "external organizations" would push Tesla the wrong way. Desperate dad telling his kids if they don't stop crying, he's canceling Christmas…
Image Credit: Tesla.
Tesla's European sales are in a tailspin. They only sold about 235,000 cars in Europe in 2025 - a huge 28% drop. In Germany, the numbers are bleak, with registrations collapsing 48% to 19,390 units. Meanwhile, BYD is lurking in the shadows like a hungry wolf, surging over 1,000% in Germany this January alone. If 94% of Germans wouldn't consider buying a Tesla, who exactly is he expanding the factory for? The local squirrels?
To distract everyone from the smell of burning bridges, Musk started babbling about future tech. He's promising a ramp-up of the Model Y and the arrival of the "Cybercab." You know, the one with no steering wheel and no pedals. It's a brave strategy, Cotton, let's see if it pays off. Especially since the man in charge of the Cybercab, Victor Nechita, just packed his bags for Boston. He's the latest in a long line of "intern-to-hero" managers to jump ship. Tesla now has zero original program managers left for any of its production vehicles. It's a ship where the captain is shouting about the buffet while the entire engineering crew is rowing away in the lifeboats.
Image Credit: Tesla.
The Cybercab itself is a bit of a head-scratcher. It's built on the AI4 hardware, the same stuff that hasn't actually managed "unsupervised" driving in millions of existing cars. Musk says the fancy new AI5 chip won't arrive until mid-2027. So, Tesla is already making a car that literally cannot be driven by a human, running on software that still gets confused by a plastic bag in the wind - what could possibly go wrong?
Over in China, the "Production Hell" has turned into a "Demand Purgatory." Wait times for a new Tesla have crashed to 1 to 3 weeks. That's not because they've become super efficient; it's because the customers have vanished into thin air. After a record December, domestic deliveries in China crashed 45% year-over-year in January to just 18,485 units. To fix this, Tesla is practically begging people to take a car. They're offering 7-year financing at a ridiculous 0.5% interest rate (about 0.98% APR). You can get a Model 3 for just $242 a month with about $11,000 down - and still people are not really lining up.
Image Credit: Tesla.
If you're feeling extra frugal, Tesla even offers 5-year zero-interest financing. It's a fire sale, but the truth is that in China everyone else is doing it too. BYD, Xiaomi, and the rest of the gang have matched these terms, turning Tesla's "special offer" into the new boring baseline. The Xiaomi SU7 actually outsold Tesla's entire domestic volume in January. When a phone company is beating you at making cars, you know you're in a spot of bother.
Where does that leave our intrepid electric pioneer? Giga Shanghai is now basically an export hub, shipping 73% of its output - over 50,600 cars - to other markets because the locals would rather buy literally anything else. The clouds aren't hanging over the horizon anymore - they're already dumping buckets of rain right on Elon's head. He'd better hope that Cybertruck is waterproof.
More related articles from Captain Electro on MSN:
Tesla’s euro-sales crash faster than a falling scone
Elon’s gold toaster is here and MKBHD is ready to shave it all
